Homesickness

“So…are you homesick yet?” Honestly, I hate this question. Something about the word “homesick” just leaves me nervously searching for ways to segue to a lighter topic. First of all, it’s a very intrusive question to ask someone, and most of the time the person asking isn’t really looking to play therapist as you explain the most vulnerable depths of your thoughts. It’s a topic I wish to bring up in my own time when I am ready to the people I feel most comfortable with. I don’t even know what I define “homesickness” as anymore. When I was in preschool, I would cry when my mom dropped me off in the morning. In elementary school, I would fake stomach aches in the nurse’s office in hopes she would send me home early. I was clingy to my family and had trouble feeling comfortable in places where I felt alone. I don’t think a lot of children with attachment issues grow up to be in my position. I have always played it safe. The university I attended was less than an hour from my home town. I had never lived outside of the Maryland/D.C. area. As I got older I discovered my love for travel and that’s what a lot of people knew me as, but in retrospect, traveling is easy. My comfort zone brainwashed me into thinking the only way to see the world was through a round-trip ticket. It took a long, long process to decide to MOVE to Korea (*see previous post), but low and behold, here I am! Today is the first day of October 2021, and sometimes I forget I haven’t been home in almost 8 months. Most days I am fine, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit my rough spells. I am a emotional person, and always have been. My “homesickness” usually comes in waves triggered by random insignificant moments throughout my day. Sometimes it’s the weather, certain songs, or smells. Sometimes I even see the faces of my family in people I walk past on the street. Believe me, I have spiralled several times and gone through some very dark periods that I kept private. I’m an introvert and have a tendency to isolate myself a lot. Even though I am surrounded by amazing people, sometimes I need to recharge alone. Back in America, this was fine. There was no amount of alone time that felt like too much. In Korea, too much solitude sends me into a bad headspace. I’ve really had to push myself to keep busy and distracted, to not overindulge in seclusion. I have found that my biggest enemy isn’t other people, it is myself. But then, if I am in control of my thoughts, why would I pick the ones that cause me anxiety? I have learned to fill my free time with exercise, meditation, yoga, music, anything. Mindfulness is a revolutionary tactic I have instilled. Focusing on the present moment, because essentially nothing else exists. I remember hearing a quote, “Depressed people live in the past, and anxious people live in the future.” When your loved ones are a simple Facetime away, the world feels ultimately small. A “home” doesn’t necessarily have to be the place where you grew up or the place where your family resides. A “home” is wherever you are.